This is a hard one to write – which is why it’s taken me a while.
My Dad, Andrew “Andy” Telek, passed away on February 27th. Not five months ago we found him a great assisted living facility(I wrote about that process here). This was a phenominal place, with only 19 other residents. They gave him the care he needed and gave my sister and me the peace-of-mind that lots of eyes were on him. They were amazing at noticing if something was off and getting him to the hospital. It was five months of relief, where we could just visit him and not worry about his care.
He Embodied WETSU spirit — the Inspiration Behind WETSU Life
My Dad was a first-generation American and the first in his family to graduate from college. He went to Michigan State University (so did I, and so did my niece). He then joined the Air Force and became a pilot. After flight school he went to law school (Famously because everyone was asking him what’s next and he wanted to say “I’m in law school”) and became a lawyer. He flew most of his life, rising to become a Lt. Colonel in the Air Force reserves, piloting C-130 cargo planes. During the week, his actual job was a prosecuting attorney in Wayne County, Michigan. He would tell people, “I put away bad guys” – even on one of his recent hospital stays, I overheard him saying that to one of the nurses.
He was proud of the life he built and would say, “Only in America can a schmuck like me get an education and live this life.”
It was in the Air Force that he brought home the term WETSU, an acronym for “We Eat This Shit Up”. It became his mantra and the rally cry for (mostly) good times. When I first launched this blog, I wrote about WETSU here. He would be doing mundane things like cutting the grass or putting gas in the boat and exclaim “WETSU! WETSU!”. Or, if he saw you floating on the lake or something, he’d say “Are you WETSUing”?
WETSU is a spirit; an attitude; an outlook. And that’s what inspired this blog.
We Didn’t Always Have a Great Relationship
As I write that sub-head, it sounds like we had a bad relationship, which we did not. But like everything else, it’s complicated.
After my Mom passed away and I spent more time with him, I started to become aware of the “Mom and Dad” dynamic. My Mom was always the focal point, and Dad was a supporting player. As we got older and we’d visit them, all the plans were made by my Mom (affectionately nicknamed “Julie” by my Dad –referring to the cruise director on The Love Boat).
Dad would join us, or not. Always easy going and patient. If we were going into shops in some town, he’d be content to sit on the bench outside the stores and people watch. He never hurried us along, he seemed happy to just take it all in.
My dad’s dry, sarcastic wit is legendary, and occasionally inappropriate. When we were kids it was hard to understand what to make of it. And, many times avoidance was the best strategy. If one of his comments elicited tears, my Mom was the one that would have to play interference. And she was in that position a lot.
As I got older and found my power, I would push back and say, “What did you mean by that?”; “Did you intend that to sound like it did?”. Some of the most growth in my relationship with him were times I pushed back and made him understand what a comment made me feel. He usually got it and apologized.
From There, We did Carve Out a Great Relationship
After my Mom died, I committed to spending more time with him. I’d visit in Traverse City and he was always ready to do things. I would arrive after a 5-hour drive from Chicago and he’d immediatelysay “Hiya. Let’s go play golf”. After nine holes he’d want to go out to dinner. And throughout the weekend, we’d do multiple trips out on the boat. During the winter, I’d visit him in Florida which included more golf, sunset visits to the beach and dinner at multiple different seafood restaurants. In his 90’s he’d even join me for beach yoga!
We both had wanted to see all the progress that Detroit had made in recent years. So in October of 2023, we spent a weekend there. This ended up being a treasure trove of memories. In addition to seeing Detroit, we visited sites that we shared together (our old house, my elementary school, going to Eastern Market, dinner at “Buddy’s Pizza”, etc.).
But even more special, and what I hadn’t anticipated, was that he showed me the spots from HIS childhood. He remembered all of it – every street, every direction. He took me to the house he was born in, his school, the house he helped his father build, the apartment he shared with his law school buddies, the building where he first met my mom (where a picture was taken — the one he always said made him know he would marry her – it was his perpetual screen saver).
We saw Detroit in all its renaissance glory – and I got to truly experience his life, from his perspective. That weekend turned out to be a true gift – one that I will always cherish.
After growing up with him as this figure in the background, I feel so lucky to get to have gotten to really know him; to enjoy spending time with him. And, even to be there when he needed me to take care of him.
Lots of Feelings
As this world without my Dad settles in, I find that I have a constant stream of feelings, some of them conflicting. They can come and go in rapid-fire succession; often canceling the other out. They range from waves of profound sadness to laughing, to a sweet memory, to seeing that memory in a totally different way. And also, missed moments. Comments he made that I realize I didn’t follow-up on; or I didn’t fully acknowledge, and now that opportunity gone. And, back to profound sadness.
Grieving My Mom
Now that my Dad is gone, I realize that although she passed away in 2020, I never really grieved the loss of her. She went into “hospice” during Covid and the last time I saw her in person was March 7th, 2020. The next week the world shut down. My Dad took care of her in their Florida home for 4 months until she died in June.
Now that he was alone, I put my energy into being there for him — that was how I honored her. But now that they’re both gone, I find I’m missing her too.
Are we WETSUing Yet? No, but we will.
In the not-so-good times, he’d sarcastically say “Are we WETSUing Yet?” The answer was no, but you always knew that you would again, some day.
That’s how I feel now. We will WETSU again – and that’s exactly what he would want.
WETSU! WETSU!
XO JT
